Thursday, January 10, 2013

French lover, french verbs and Adam Sandler

Tu me manques.  In english we'd say, "I miss you" but directly translated it means "you're missing to me".  I love that.  I first became fascinated with the translation of this verb back in Paris in '07.  I'd never realized the beauty of recognizing that something is gone from your life.  When something feels different.  Like your days, your life feels different because something is missing that used to be there...something that contributed to your life in a way that's recognizable now that it's gone.

I broke up with my little french lover yesterday.  Well, we went "on a break" when I was home for Christmas.  Yeah, like Ross and Rachel style.  But we got back together, gave it another honest try, but it was a no go.

I was kind of Bella Swaning yesterday.  Yes, I embarrassingly enough just made a Twilight character into a verb and then compared myself to her.  Not my classiest moment. haha You know, in the book/movie when she breaks up with Edward and she's a hot mess.  Thankfully, I was neither as pathetic nor as incessantly blinky, but I could sort of relate.  Something didn't feel right.  That dang french verb came to mind and realized that I missed him and was going to miss him for a little bit.  Crap bag.

I guess it's just hard because I've never felt that way for someone before.  I've been fortunate to date some really great guys, but while I adored them for how they treated me and the people that they were, I didn't feel the same way as they did.  But it was different with this guy.

It seemed like everything he did was good.  His hands are constantly aflame while my fingers are always frigid.  He would always take my hand in his, warm it up and kiss it.  It's silly, and normally that would stress me out if one of my dates randomly pulled crap like that.  But it was weird how something so simple could somehow seems like the most wonderful thing in the world.  It was strange to me how much I loved hearing from him, being next to him, the sweet things he'd say to me, how whenever I'd bring up something that was worrying me he'd look at me concerned and intent--wanting to fix it and make it better, or speaking french together--me butchering it while he spoke it with such ease and attractiveness that it was kind of a hate crime.

He was a lot of firsts for me.  First time I’d been in a relationship where we mutually adored each other.  First time I fell in love.  I’d never been able to understand what everyone was talking about when they talked about “being in love”.  I’ve always cared deeply for the people I’ve dated, but have never been in love with them.  Well I understand now.

But it was really hard too.  I'd never dated a member of a different religion before.  It was difficult meeting up with my boyfriend to go on a date and when he kissed me, he smelled like smoke...and not because he had a habit of roasting marshmallows.  It was hard that the Law of Chastity was such a huge sacrifice for him and having that standard frequently challenged instead of respected.  I missed having my religion as a common denominator.  With him, it was hard to talk about my mission or the church, because he didn't relate, understand or...necessarily care.  At some point, it was time to face the facts that were whack-a-moling me in the face and not postpone what needed to happen.

I’m not mad.  I don’t have bad feelings for him.  I won’t speak poorly of him.  He is a really great person.  It embarrassingly hurts a bit and I miss him. The feeling that something’s off because it’s gone, and aching a little because it’s not coming back.  But I think that’s okay.  It means that we actually had something to miss.   If it didn’t hurt at all then what we had wasn’t that great. 

So here we are.  Should I spend the evening binging on brownie batter and watching a depressing chick flick of my choice?  Nah.  I'll do a Jillian Michaels video, remind myself in my prayers that I was lucky to have the experience, not forget that I'll eventually find better, and fall asleep to an Adam Sandler film--Just Go With It, specifically.  haha  There you have it T. Swift.  Write a song about THAT!


  1. Oh Mallo, I'm sorry your heart is broken today. That is legitimately the worst. I think you're wonderful in every way and wish I had advice for you that you don't already know...but I don't. Because you're you. And you know you made the right decision. You know you'll be better soon. And you know that you deserve your perfect man and that he'll find If you were a little more needy or less intelligent I could help you out but, you've got this.
    You handled this relationship with grace and patience and you're doing the same with your break up. You are impressive and you will be more than fine very soon. I'm glad you fell in love. You deserved it. I love you, babe.

  2. You are such a courageous person. You probably don't see it, but I do. I am so impressed with you and how you view things and how near you are to Heavenly Father. Everyone needs a French lover at some point but some people never get one...look at you, nicked one right out of the gates :-)

  3. My dearest Mal,
    I am so sorry. It truly is a one of a kind experience that you are going is an ache that goes deep inside and makes you wonder in some moments if you can make it. I remember reading a Bella-ism when she talked about feeling like she was breaking apart and that she had to hold herself together and thinking, I know that feeling! Why does it have to hurt this way? But it doesn't stay forever, your cracks heal and it seems you are already well on your way to that. You are an amazing woman and you have just had a wonderful experience with a young man who honestly cared for you deeply. I was happy for your adventure, for the way he made you feel, for the butterflies in your stomach and all the things that I know are out there waiting for you. Now you know as well that they are out there waiting for you too. I admire you so deeply, you are a fantastic woman whose beauty radiates to all those who come in contact with you. I agree fully with what these other sweet ladies have said to you, and add my love and any comfort I can provide. Hang in there, you are amazing! Xoxo