Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The elderly, foreigners and playas....awkward male encounters

So the last month has been kind of hilarious because many times I have moments with men that convince me that there has got to be a hidden camera somewhere.  They're just too awkward to be real. But alas, they are real.  Here we go:

Elderly Chick-to-the-fil-to-the-A.
I was babysitting two of my cousins on a Saturday morning.  They were patient in allowing me to drop off a letter at the Post Office, so I took them to Chik-fil-A because they really wanted to play in the jungle gym.  Sure.  

As I'm pulling in, an older gentlemen was starting to cross the parking lot.  I stopped, allowed him to cross and he walked to my window and asked me to roll it down.  He made some comment about, "What are you doing here from Utah?"  (Still have a Utah license plate.) and it was harmless.  I parked the car, we go in, the girls go play and I wait in line.  

This elderly chap (we're talking easily in his 70's), spots me and walks over to me.  He gets really close and says, "You'd better look out.  I know I'm old but my mind still thinks like an 18 year-old."  Hmmm....and then I saw him sharing a table with his cute little wife...I'm assuming.  Awkward right?  I could EASILY be his granddaughter.  Just don't talk to girls like that...ever...but especially with a huge age difference.  Right??

Elderly take 2-- the artsy, handsy one
My friend and I tried out a darling little restaurant called Cheestique.  It's mainly a cheese and wine store but they have a bar and little tables in the back.  It's cute and quaint.  All of the workers are really nice.  It's darling.  As my friend and I are talking, an elderly chap (this time late 50's) comes and sits in the chair next to me at the bar.  I told my friend the Chik-fil-a story and we laughed about how gross it is when men disregard that a girl could be their child's child, and yet still think they've got game.  You don't have game.  Just wear a grandpa sweater and resemble Kris Kringle.  But stop thinking you've can pick up young girls.  

The man next to me had ordered french onion soup.  He was sitting by himself, and because I like to talk to strangers and especially if people are by themselves, I asked the harmless question, "How's the soup?  I was going to get that kind so if it's good I'll make a note to get it next time."  As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing flirty about that right?  He told me it was really good and said I had pretty hair.  I thanked him, thought, "no way" and turned back to my friend to continue our conversation.

He later kept pulling on the tips of my hair, putting his hand on my back, and was trying to make small talk.  He asked where I was from, then it naturally comes up that I'm LDS.  He apparently knows about basics in my religion because he comments about how LDS members don't drink, smoke, or sleep with people before marriage.  Correct, I affirm.  THEN, I kid you not, he asks me if I'm a bad girl. haha Was it my nerd glasses or ruffly Who coat that gave me away?  haha  I said, "No actually." He slides a card on the table to me inviting me to his photo exhibit coming up and says that he'd really like to see me and my pretty curly hair there.  (And he's touching my hair again at that point).  Gross.  I said goodbye and my friend said, "you are too nice."  The waitress came over and was talking to us and said, "Girl, if he's gonna touch your hair and your back like that, at least make him pay for your meal."  haha I wish I'd thought of that before.  

So the reason this bothers me is my friend teases me all the time that I'm too nice.  My issue with that is  I really like being nice to people.  He was sitting by himself, I saw no harm in asking him how his soup was.  Maybe he was having a bad day, couldn't I make a quick little comment to maybe help him feel like he wasn't insignificant?  Apparently not.  haha I just hate the idea that I have to be more closed off because being kind translates to being flirtatious.  But I agree wholeheartedly with the waitress, next time a guy gets creepy creeps on me, he's paying for something.

Moroccan Poet
I've been trying to get out of the house, discover new venues, meet new people, etc.  You know, make the best of this adventure right?  So I went to open mic night by myself and this elderly (I hate that this is a pattern) gentleman asks if he can sit next to me.  I didn't have an excuse and maybe this guy isn't going to be creepy, maybe he's just an innocent ol' grandpa.  So I let him sit down by me.  

He's old.  Balding, his hair and beard are completely white.  He was drinking tea and asked me if he could buy me some.  I said, "No thank you."  He leans over to me during one of the performances and quietly whispers, "Did you have a good relationship with your father?"  What is that!?!?  He asked me to go to the bar with him at the end of the evening.  Obviously I told him 'no'.  

The Cashier--self-proclaimed "charmer"
After Open Mic night, I went to the grocery store really quick.  I wanted some apple chips and yogurt for the next day.  As I walk in the store, I met eyes with one of the cashiers, smiled and said "hi".  Again, harmless.  I've worked several customer service jobs.  It seriously sucks to have people be mean to you.  It's hard. So anytime I'm at the grocery store, a restaurant, buying a movie ticket, I try to be overly kind to people because I realize that they could have had a rough day.  So saying "hello" to someone when it's 11:00pm and they probably are tired and done with their shift, just seems like a nice thing to do.  At least that's how it plays out in my mind.

I decided to go through his line.  I like to talk to cashiers.  I have had tons of positive experiences doing it.  He asked how I was doing.  He called me "beautiful".  Sure.  Thanks.
Him:  "So....are you taken?
Me:  "Umm...not at the moment."
Him:  "So...Can I take you somewhere?"
What I was thinking is, "Is it Paris?  Because while it would help your case if it was, but it's really irrelevant." haha 

Of these stories, THIS chap was my age and attractive.  But...I just wasn't getting awesome vibes.  He asked me if he could take me out for drinks.  My game plan here is easy.  Just appear to be the opposite of what he's looking for. It's an easy out.  "I actually don't drink....or smoke."  C'mon, that's got to be a turn off right?  But he made some comment about how I'm a cheaper date because I don't drink.  Errr...thanks?? haha 

He then alluded to physical interests and I said something like, "Look, I'm not your type.  I'm not that kind of girl.  I'm really religious and don't do that stuff before marriage."  haha Seriously, am I in a hostel in Europe?  Why do I feel like the Law of Chastity is brought up all of the time lately?  None the less, whammy.  I'm sure we're done now.  That's got to be a huge turn off right?  
He then says, "Hey, just let me charm you and we'll let nature take it's course."
"Look, my friend, I don't care if you're Johnny Depp, nature is not taking it's course there."  haha 

So here we are.  I honestly love being kind of people and feel like I can be a positive part of their day.  But where is the line?  I don't understand why being kind comes across as flirting because I try to be aware of it.  The other shabang is, why do elderly men think I'm cool with dating someone who fathered children my parents age?!  That is so awkward for me and don't understand why it would even cross their minds.  haha So...I've got to figure out what it is about me that attracts the hobblers and then...not do it.  There you have it. The highlights of the last month of my encounters with males.  Don't be jealous.  haha It's just hilarious, embarrassing and all kinds of awkward.  It's my life. haha


  1. oh my goodness. I am just dying here. I know that getting all this... attention... can get kinda annoying but seriously you have all the luck! these stories are gems! haha.

  2. Wow Mal, I can think of nothing else right now. Wow Maybe you should do something different with your hair? If this keeps happening your parents might need you back in Utah. Wow

  3. Easy. If you were a little more ugly, it would solve all of your problems. But unfortunately for you I don't think that option is going to work so well.

  4. So hilarious. I love you, you little charmer, you.

  5. Wow you really aren't in Kansas anymore! I think these days people are just so shocked to find a geniunely nice person, that any type of friendly gesture means you are potentially available. It's kind of a sad statement on the state of the world these days! Keep being you no matter what!

  6. If only your father were there to hear that comment about your relationship! Weirdos! I think you handle yourself well and who knows, maybe someone will be interested in the Gospel because of your example. And, I just have to say it, who would NOT want to get to know you better!!

  7. its the keens!!!! they know you have a pair! hahaha love you mallo!!!!